10) Matt Moulson
The guy plays like he's named after a brewery. He battles his way through the college ranks, the ECJ graveyard of a league, and can't even crack the pre-2009 L.A. Kings. Now he's standing on the post waiting for feeds from John Tavares and even out-tallying the ballyhooed number one. He's got a dece salad, dece story, and he's casually on Andrew Brunette's dick. Wait? Andrew Brunette? Andrew fucking Brunette!? Who the fuck models their game after Andrew Brunette. It's like Disney's Christmas blockbuster "Like Greg", where Lil' Bow Wow finds a pair of Greg Ostertag's sneakers and starts playing sturdy post D, getting facialed, and going off for 4-8-2. Beauty.
9) Basil McRae
1989-1990: 351 PIMS.
1992: "The Mighty Ducks"
Basil Mcrae, heard of him? The guy was pretty much a plug. Decent character guy, leads the league in PIMS one seas, and casually parlays it into a cameo alongside Mike Modano in The Mighty Ducks (Basil makes his on-screen debut at about 4:05). Poor Modano stands idly by as Basil gives Gordon Bombay sloppier lid than Julie "The Cat" Gaffney. "Hey Gordo!... If you ever want a shot let me know, I'll get you a shot with one of the minor league clubs". Beauty.
8) George Parros
Princeton grad, fighter, presumed ruthless gonger. The guy buttons it up pretty tight in public, but you just know with that lid/ duster combo that after every game he's getting 12/10, taking his shirt off in the bar, and going home with the two grossest swamp creatures he can find. Looking into those eyes all you can see is hateful pervert after a 2-6 of jack. Beauty.
7) Todd Bertuzzi
Big Bad Bin-Blasting Bertuzzi. Quintuple 'B'.
We all know the story on this guy. one of the most gifted big men the show since Cam Neeley. This guy had the opposite of "jars for hands." They were as soft and supple as 1988 Labatt's Blue Rep Pamela Anderson's tits, not the new 40 year old, 7 boob job, numerous facial surgeries, sextape, yay PETA, used-up whore-bag Pam Anderson(Exhibit A of Todd's silky smooth hands: HERE). Just check the stats in his prime. 25, 25, 36, 46. The guy slotted. Big Bert, Nazzy and the often overshadowed Brendan Morrison AKA the West Coast Express, was one of the most dynamic lines in the league. The guy put pucks in the net and chews in his mouth. Post-game interviews were prime time for Bert's lippers to take center-stage and steal the show. I loved it every time the guy gruffly answered questions with a fat cope hanging out of his mouth (often top cheddar to boot).
6) Theo Fleury
At just 5'6", Theo could muck and grind with the best! He was always a threat to score 40+ with those jets. At the peak of his career, he decides to go on a ridiculous bender for ten odd years, punctuated by blackout bar fights in strip clubs and half-assed tries at minor league baseball. The guy even tries to make an NHL comeback at age 41, after playing in the NPHL ("North Peace Hockey League"?) with Gino Odjick and in fucking Belfast , Ireland.
5)Darren McCarty
Alcoholism? Check.
Playoff heroics? Check.
Goatee? Check.
Generic Hells Angels tattoos? Check.
Severe gambling problem? Check.
4) Gino Odjick
And) Pavel Bure
Impossible not to lump these two together. Everyone's heard a few stories about the "Rocket" and his buddy, Wayne Gino "The Algonquin Enforcer" Odjick. Gino was born on an Algonquin Native Reserve named "Kitigan Zibi" in Quebec, making this guy a full blown Metis. There are a few stories that have leaked out over the years but one little nugget caught my attention. The book, Pavel Bure: The Riddle of the Russian Rocket, describes the night of Oct. 30, 1993 when Bure was out with alleged Ukrainian cocaine traffickers Eugene and Alexander Alekseev. That night supposedly ended with Bure taking a taxi home after the Alekseevs' car was damaged by a bomb. That's not all, stories of Bure and Gino on 3 day coke benders (leaving Pav's ferrari parked outside of rundown houses in East Van) have circulated for years. That being said, when it comes right down to it, Bure ignited the fire under a dormant fan base in Vancouver and brought that shoot first mentality that we have missed ever since his departure to the Florida Panthers in Miami (Odd place to demand a trade to... wonder if it had anything to do with it being the COCAINE CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.)
Plus, Bure scored goals like this. How could you not like the guy:
A crucial slotting for Gino:
Gino goes shirts optional:
3) Alexander Ovechkin
In the desert of political correctness that is the modern NHL, Ovie is a glorious oasis of beautyism; crystal waters, sandy beaches, and slutty mermaids. Ginos on the reg, reckless hits on the reg, vodka on the reg, pussy on the reg. Even with the language barrier he's got to be one of the most candid and entertaining interviews in the league. First time he plays golf he casually gets a hole-in-one. The guy's a beauty.
2) Bob Probert
1987-1988: 29-33-398.
1989: three months in a halfway house
1994: gets greased and casually rides his motorcycle into a car
2004: has to be restrained by tasers and stun guns
2005: resists arrest, breaches peace, and assaults a police officer
2009?: will get loser pissed at your party for $5000 (Call 1-866-246-7141)
Not to mention this piece of hockey fight/ line brawl/ beautyism gold:
1) Al Iafrate
The Wild Thing: Al Iafrate likes motorcylces, heavy metal, and playing defense for the Capitals. Actual magazine article. Legend has it big Al dumped it into the corner rather than taking an empty netter. His explanation, "Empty net goals are for faggots". Things not for faggots: 105mph clappies and wicked skullets. Don't really need to say anything else about the guy.
Honourable Mentions:
Jere Karalahti
Holds the honour of being the only NHL player to ever earn the nickname "Chief" from getting rocket high with natives pre-game in Moose Jaw. Would have made the list hundos if it was just a one-time thing. Chalk this one up to beauty overload.
Kyle Wellwood
You can't just eat and drink yourself out of the NHL and not be a beauty. The guys got mittens, was electric in the '09 playoffs, and can be seen here demeaning women poolside with his gut hanging over his World Juny shorts. Kudos Welly. Icing on the cake, the guy cuts 20 pounds in the off season and scores his first goal into an empty net 24 games into the season. You do the math.
Patrick Kane
Anyone who fights cabbies over twenty cents is usually a beauty in our books. Too bad he seems like a gearbox louie x10. Leave it to an American to get a huge head and not pay a cabbie 20 fucking cents after he's hammer-pissed and done running through the local 18-and-under slut parade in downtown Buffalo with his faggy cousin. Johnny Toews wouldn't be caught dead pulling an act like this.
PS: We at DoubleZero have made our pro-ditch-pig-smashing bias pretty clear. So when Patty Kane goes shirts o.p.t. post-Roxy with two of Surrey's finest and still looks like a ass clown it's crystal clear: the guy's a knob... sweet chain Pat.
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